Unfunny people

Funny people are people, too

I watch movies to enjoy them, not to walk out of them. Nearly 140 minutes of my life have been stolen from me so I need to let this out. Team Apatow has done it again… beating a dead and already massacred horse, that is.

Like most of Apatow’s work which is seemingly crafted for the fickle-minded, we are always quick to forget the downward spiralling trend he follows- the staggering second act that not even a few funny people and funny dialogue can save. He indulges too much of his background in stand-up comedy that it screams autobiographical at times. A family affair within the same Apatow universe he has built, one can only take so much inside joking and horsing around that it gets tiring. It really, really does. What’s more excruciating about this movie other than its insane running time were the several attempts to resurrect the candor with even more bland comedy and sometimes slapstick humour causing it to fall flat on its face really, really bad (maybe they were thinking there was safety in toilet humour and crudeness?).

I learned one thing from all this, though: Hilarity ends when it tries to tread on. Sure the comedy was there, but its purpose was to blindside everyone and distract them of a story that never unfolded. Pretty soon you’ll realise the whole movie was a joke. The punch line was there, but I guess no one can point it out.

Bhollywood

Sing to me, Saawariya!

Saawariya (2007) : 1.5/5

It presents itself as a fairly easy movie to love; but as treacherous as most films tend to be, Saawariya stabs you in the back with an excruciating 120+ minutes of blue hued cinematography on fanciful sets with overextended (and forgettable) song numbers (with the exclusion of the catchy title song, haha).

I wanted to like this movie. I wanted to like the characters but none of them proved to be worthy of forging an affinity with, as they all seemed either too naive, too stupid, too dreamy, or too achingly annoying. Come to think of it, Saawairya doesn’t live up to its supposed expectations. When the most intriguing thing about a film is its production design and gorgeous lead actors, you know you’re in trouble (I forgot where I read this).

In its entirety, Saawariya’s handicap is unclear but you’ll definitely see it wobbling hard as the film climaxes. It turned out to be a sad case of abandoned characters and a forgotten plot- all for the sake of an overly stylized fairy-tale like Indian utopia. And without even reading the IMDB trivia page, it’s evident that Hollywood has dipped its dirty fingers into what would’ve been a delicious Bollywood treat. It has now tarnished into a soiled amalgamation of both, which i now dub as Bhollywood. I know. Ang baho talaga.

Crumb-y Korean Horror

Entertain us

Hansel & Gretel (2007): 2/5

There’s something about Korean films that’s just innately weird and unpredictable (this one reminded me of ‘Cut’ in the Three Extremes trilogy)- and it is precisely in those qualities where its predictability stems from. Its story is bleak, in spite of the highly paradoxical (yet appropriate) and picturesque rainbow-doused color scheme glaring out of the screen- too bad, really, because behind this curtain of hopeful possibilities for a classic horror story lies a dragging narrative devoid of any grotesque, overt scares and cheap thrills (which I think I was initially after- haha). In the end, I felt deprived of any such catharsis as the odd and surreal twists and turns lead to an ambiguous (not in a good way) conclusion.

In the mood for a clean Maggie Cheung

Clean (2004): 2/5

Do what mommy does

Oliver Assayas directs Maggie Cheung in this horribly disjointed story about drugs and coming, well, Clean. I saw this film on the French Film Festival in Shangri-La, and I think I can say that I’ve seen this film more than a thousand times already due to the endless cliches and exhausted storyline. Perhaps it’s the worn-out rock and roll junkie story we’re tired of hearing, or the sketchy characterization. Or Nick Nolte’s resounding Hulk performance. Or maybe just bad storytelling set to a global backdrop.

Yet somehow ‘Clean’ manages to transform from a seemingly meaningless film into something of substance. Maybe it’s because of the soundtrack. Or maybe because of Maggie Cheung. Yes, we’re definitely in the mood for Maggie Cheung.

Nosy Business

Penelope (2006)

Penelope (2006): 1/5

Watch this for Shaggy McAvoy

I can write about this movie with these four words: “Much ado about nothing”. But these four words remain completely understated in this 2006 Reese Witherspoon-produced beauty-and-the-beast tale of an heiress born with a pig nose. Perhaps it’s the director’s fault for making this supposed fairy tale/comedy into its complete opposite. A rather bland-ish tasteless blend of romance, magic, and paper-thin everything, Penelope successfully passes the 1-hour mark without establishing anything that even resembles a story. Dull and lifeless scenes go about the title character and the shaggy haired James McAvoy as they suck out all the spirit and magic we’ve been promised all throughout (wait for the atrocious “The magic was inside of me” part in the end).

While the best thing about this movie, by far was Peter Dinklage, I had been convinced that everyone and everything else in this movie had a sort of magical upside- so magical that it seems like we’ve fallen into a delirium that anything is possible except for this movie to pick up pace. Doesn’t make sense? Neither does this movie. Ha ha

Not the noir it claims

Look at how cutesy the poster is

Watching the Detectives (2007): 1.5/5

It’s a completely irrelevant movie to watch even for a Saturday afternoon no-brainer, with an even more irrelevant title. The premise of ‘Watching the Detectives’ would’ve been an ideal recipe for a sweet and charming rom-com, except the writers forgot to add all the rom-com ingredients. The result instead is a bleak, tasteless disaster that came out half-baked, half-burned and half-assed that no amount of Cillian Murphy screentime could even remedy. We do, however, get the best of everything in this movie – such as having the opportunity to see Lucy Liu’s best performance as a 30-40 year old imp lady dressed like a 15 year old. She is pink bubble gum personified, the kind that I wish I saw under a dirty old sneaker. Yuck.

Seemingly crafted for the Irishman’s female fanbase, the annoying, endless banter throughout the film became quite easy to forgive, as soon as Cillian-glorifying camera work took place. After split-second glimpses of the actor’s rear end, plus that his character was supposedly a shy, endearing film geek, I think I’m ready to forget the ninety minutes that had wasted away and just retain that thought in my memory. :0)

Indy Phone Home

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008): 3/5

It’s hard to be a discerning moviegoer amidst the dozen of summer movies at hand,. especially with a movie this big invading theaters. Creators George Lucas and Steven Spielberg bring back the bona fide classic character we all know and love- Indiana Jones!

Opening credits. “I have a bad feeling about this”. A mix of emotions surface. There’s joy, despair, annoyance, and maybe frustration for some people. Wisecracks and whip-cracks, bugs and all sorts of creatures, Russians and guns, a greaser, a snake, and an old flame, area 51, psychic powers, great chase scenes, and impossible feats of physicality. Indy 4 in a nutshell.

Of course expect references to the old Indy episodes galore. But its controversial ending puts its viewers in a time warp, a la ‘Life of Brian’ (see this clip ) which makes us think twice about naming Indy the second most irrelevant summer blockbuster (next to Speed Racer).

It’s saddening knowing that we’ve lost some of Indy’s best adventures to time and something out of this world. However, In spite of everything bad I can say about this film, (as I type this Indy theme song plays in my head), and as much as I wanted to hate it, I’d have to admit that nostalgia still wins me over by a landslide

Saving Private Shuya

This will be an image-loaded post since I can’t find the words to describe how disappointed I was with the Battle Royale sequel (although I’ve already been warned in the past) – eh well this was a classic case of curiosity that killed the cat. I just wish it killed it with more style, less guns and explosions, and more hand to hand combat

–

7 Years Ago..

3 Years later–

Sadly, the word “Requiem” in the title doesn’t save this movie

What Would Ploning Do?

Ploning (2008)

Ploning (2008): 2/5

In a picturesque town in Palawan called Cuyo, where perfect Coca-Cola moments are captured on 35mm film (ahem product placement ahem) there lives a mysterious woman Ploning, whose name is where the movie’s title derives from and centers on. Judy Ann Santos plays the title role and town belle Ploning (for which some odd reason everyone in the town of Cuyo desires) and delivers the Cuyonon dialect with very careful speech-like enunciation and utmost emotional repression.

‘Ploning’ is a case where the visuals (although gorgeously captured) do nothing much for the story (there isn’t much to tell anyway). The marriage of tourism and film seems to be the trend nowadays, as we watch every aspect of the Cuyonon lifestyle – a little bit too much that sometimes a Palawan AVP comes to mind.

While we blatantly learn of life’s “lessons” through the cashew nut metaphor, every dragging sermon and spoon-fed clichéd virtues on love and hope makes this 80+ minute film seem double its length. Towards the end of the film is a Juno-esque finale in a highly laughable flashback scene with Ploning finally showing emotion through tears reminiscent of the Mara Clara soaps that Juday fans will be glad to witness.

Holy historical inaccuracies, Batman!

10,000 B.C. (2008)

10,000 B.C. (2008): 1.5

Holy historical inaccuracies, Batman!
‘10,000 B.C.’ is a prehistoric epic that brings us into a world where mammoth hunters are masters of the English language and have perfected the art turning hair into cool dreads. Expect nothing but explosive, (semi) heart-stopping action from the guys that brought about ‘Godzilla’ and ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ as ‘10,000 B.C’ falls nothing short of the said titles.

People are driven by emotion instead of instinct (it really does seem like so that why it’s so dumb silly) in this Apocalypto-esque tale of our dreadlocked hippie ancestors. With all sarcasm aside, ‘10,000 B.C’ is forgivable because it was never meant to be realistic or accurate anyway (hello ID4!). This is just Roland Emmerich being well, Roland Emmerich.